“You Make Me So Mad”: Part One – When Anger at Your Child is Over the Top
This is a two-part article. Sources, which include child development experts and parents who have struggled with this issue, as well as books parents liked, are listed at the end of each post.
Sometimes we just lose it.
It happens to the best of moms and if you have more than one child, it may happen more with one child than another.
“I can’t believe this is me, totally out of control, screaming at my child like this…I don’t even recognize myself when I get that angry” said one parent of a five-year old in the Berkeley online parents forum.
All parents get angry. Parents who claim to have never felt out of control with anger are probably fooling themselves, says Matthew McKay, author of When Anger Hurts Your Kids.
BUT WHEN IS IT TOO MUCH? OVER THE TOP?
We probably know when.
“I have a son who will be three soon and a four-month old daughter. About two months before the baby was born, I started yelling at my son a lot. I guess it was the difficulty I was having being pregnant, compounded by my son being a very active two year old boy. My kid is normal for his age and has lots of energy. But when my son starts working my nerves and I’m exhausted and the baby is screaming, and I am trying to get dinner on and do dishes and laundry, and I am alone with the two of them, sometimes I get to the end of my limit and I start hollering. I have never ever hit or spanked him but I am afraid that one day, I might cross the line. I am really ashamed and scared of this thing that lurks inside of me. I want to nip this in the bud before my kids learn these bad habits from me,” said another parent.
One study by McKay found that half of parents surveyed lost their temper and hit their child “really hard”; another 40% feared they would lose their temper and really hurt their child; two thirds reported getting angry at their child to the point of yelling or screaming at their child at least five times a week.
UNTOLD DAMAGE
This anger does untold damage.
When parents get angry, kids get less of what they need – emotional support and encouragement. Angry punishments create angry, rebellious and uncontrolled children. The parent-child bond is weakened by repeated punitive interactions. Children of angry parents tend to distance themselves from that parent according to McKay
“I do believe it is healthy and normal for kids to see their parents get angry now and then. But, frankly, having a mother who could not control her anger was devastating for me and my siblings,” said another parent. “It forced each of us into roles that we used to cope. My sister (the oldest) felt responsible for my mom’s anger and as an adult has insulated herself and her kids from my mom. This has been extremely painful for my mom. I just feel incredibly sorry for my mom when I see all the pain and sorrow her temper has brought on her over the years. I put off having children for a long time for fear that I would lose my temper with them. You cannot imagine how damaging this is to a child. I was incredibly depressed as a child because of it and both my sister and I had suicidal episodes as teenagers/young women.”
Children of angry parents grow up to face more severe problems than those raised in less angry homes – more depression, eating disorders, lower self esteem, and spousal abuse according to McKay. Women who grow up in families using a threatening style experience more emotional numbness as well as painful yearnings for closeness and intimacy. They also tend to have shorter, less stable friendships. Men growing up in such homes seem to suffer none of these problems but have difficulty sustaining romantic attachments.
WHAT CAUSES THE ANGER
When you experience anger at a level more than the situation warrants, there are a number of possible reasons – ranging from lack of sleep to deep-seated anger. Here are possible triggers:
Not Paying Enough Attention to Your Own Needs
“I have found that if I am not taking care of myself, it makes me more resentful,” said one mom.
Said another, “I am much less patient if I am hungry, too hot, or tired (just like my kids). I dropped activities that occur too close to dinner because I was really stressed out about getting home and having to get dinner on the table.”
“My temper is much shorter when my blood sugar is low. I need to eat nutritious (non-sugary) food on a really regular basis, and drink lots of water,” said a mom.
Changing Hormonal Levels from Pregnancy, Nursing or PMS
When a woman is dealing with PMS, there are sometimes reminders to help put it in perspective not the least of which is a husband saying, “Are you PMSing?” or looking at a calendar. But children can’t ask this question and sometimes a new or nursing mom may be unaware her hormones are out of whack.
Financial or Personal Stress
“Think about what or towards whom you are really angry at, or perhaps feeling resentful, “ advised one mom.” Could it really be your husband you are angry at, and you end up taking it out on the kids? I have come to realize this is my case.”
Too High Expectations
Parents often miscalculate the ages at which they can expect their toddlers to do certain things, such as accepting limits without a tantrum. “ I think we often expect too much of the older child and too much once they become verbal. We think that correlates with maturity and understanding but they are still often totally confused by our actions and what we ask of them,” said a mother.
Not Understanding Temperment Differences
No two babies are alike says McKay. Babies are born with major differences in their temperament, including the way each responds to life experiences. For example, when disappointed, one child may have a tantrum and another simply turn his or her attention to something else.
“My other child didn’t do this. One of my three children was high strung. He drove me crazy. I would yell at him and swat at him in a most inappropriate way,” said one mom.
Trigger Thoughts
Two specific incidents precede an anger attack – stress and trigger thoughts according to McKay. “Neither alone can cause the anger. Stress is the tinder, thoughts the match. Anger helps relieve the stress. Even if you know on an intellectual level that a certain trigger thought is not true, when it passes through your mind during a period of stressful arousal it feels true enough to set off an angry reaction. For example, many parents feel the child is doing it to get back at them; e.g. “She’s deliberately ignoring me to get back at me.” Do kids misbehave just to annoy their parents? Most researchers and child development experts feel this is rarely the case.
Poor Role Models
“It comes from my upbringing where my mom was a rage-aholic. No excuse, but I remind myself that I don’t want my kids to end up being afraid of me. This basically puts the fear of God in me,” said another mother.
Deep-seated Anger
“I realized there was more going on here than anger with my kid. There were other parts of my life that were also causing me trouble, and there were reasons why my reaction was to hold it in and then explode, “ said a parent.
Anger has many origins from what happened in childhood to simply being hungry. The one thing that is certain is that misdirected anger can have harmful consequences. But there are things that can be done.
Part Two: How To Deal with Your Anger will be published on Wednesday.
Books parents liked:
Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles
Buddhism for Mothers: A Calm Approach to Caring for Yourself and Your Children
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen
(Source: Berkeley Parents Network, momscape.com, When Anger Hurts Your Kids
Posted on 17. Jan, 2011 by Patricia in Parenting
One Response to ““You Make Me So Mad”: Part One – When Anger at Your Child is Over the Top”
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It’s amazing how intense the feelings your kids can rouse in you are. Whether good or bad. I blogged about it the other day:
http://dadification.blogspot.com/2012/02/kids-are-like-amplifiers.html